Just a few short days ago, my husband and I were delighted to be eating lunch outside, strolling the streets of Disney Springs, and listening to the amazing speakers at the Children’s Pastor’s Conference. It was refreshing to be with Children’s Ministry leaders from across the country and to catch up with friends. Many people had read my original post about our journey into cancer and were asking for an update.
I was happy to report that all seemed to be going well. I have finished seven chemotherapy treatments and only had one left to go. Even though my hair, eyelashes, and eyebrows have all made their exit — the rest of my body seemed to be responding well. There was no damage to my heart and my white blood cells counts seem to bounce back heroically.
Even still, there was fear that hung in the air around me. I don’t know if it was because I was nearing the end of treatment or if was simply spiritual attack, but it followed me like a shadow during our time in Florida. As Mike and I walked along the water Wednesday night, I quietly began to cry.
“I just don’t want this to be our last trip”, I said. “I just don’t want this to be the end. What if it didn’t work? What if I get a scan and it’s everywhere?”
He assured me that everything would be okay, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was looming in the future.
Thursday morning, I heard Eugene Cho speak in general session. He covered Joshua 1:9 which reads:
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
It would be an understatement to say that this verse resonated with my heart. Eugene went on to say that it was a scary time for Joshua. He had just witnessed the death of Moses (mortality was very real) and he was headed into an unknown land.
I get it.
Not only is Joshua sad and insecure — he is also being asked to do the impossible — cross the Jordan river at flood levels. Everything in his logical brain is fighting against God’s direction. And yet, God will be with him.
Just as God will be with me. I cherished that message because I felt like it was God’s reassurance, that no matter what the future holds, He would continue to be with me.
That night, I found another lump. Another mass. Another potential cancerous tumor growing in my body.
It just didn’t make any sense. How could it grow when I was actively undergoing chemotherapy treatment?
As we headed back home, I tried to believe it was nothing. But the truth is, I felt very discouraged. I thought we were almost done. I thought life was going to back to normal. That everything would be okay again. That I could stop going to bed worrying about whether or not I would see my children grow. Instead, it seemed like we were exactly where we began.. back at square one…
I was discouraged and I was afraid.
“Did you not promise me this summer, God? Is that all I am getting? This summer?”
I shared the news with my church family and they surrounded us once again with prayer. A small group of friends gathered in our living room and prayed. We poured out our confusion to God and asked once again for healing.
It’s has not been easy…seemingly starting all over again… but in the last few days, God has poured out his peace on my heart and on Mike’s. I do believe He’s going to continue to carry us through this. I don’t pretend to understand God and his ways, but I do trust Him.
I know that He is with me.
I have a bracelet that a friend gave me at the beginning of this journey. It says “My faith is bigger than my fear”. The truth is… my faith isn’t always bigger than my fear. But my God is. I know that God is bigger than fear. Bigger than cancer. I know that He made me and has a plan for my life. In the midst of uncertainty, I will continue to rest in his love. I will chose to trust him.
The words of Lauren Daigle’s song ring so true for me during this time:
When you don’t move the mountains
I’m needing you to move
When you don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When you don’t give the answers
As I cry out to you
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you
I will continue to trust and pray. We don’t know anything yet. We’re still waiting on scans and biopsy results, but the ultrasound scans confirm it looks very suspicious. But it could be nothing. Or it could turn into nothing. God is able. Please join with me in prayer as we continue in this journey.